Herpy.nu is now closed and archived - will be replaced by something new and better.

Herpy has had a good 13 year run and will never be forgotten for those of us who experienced it. Sadly the site is today unappealing and is no longer fit for the audience of 2018. The gallery will remain operational until further notice. You can follow me on Twitter for further developments. We also have a Discord server which has become the heart of the community. If you wish to join it, send me a PM over Twitter.

Kind regards,
Valcyrie

R-Rated Jokes!

Games and/or sillies that are played online here on the forums!
User avatar
Indominus Roark
Posts: 19
Joined: July 6th, 2016, 4:18 am
Gender: Male
Age: 27
Location: Limbo
I am a: Author
Commissions: Open for trades
Contact:
Status: Offline

R-Rated Jokes!

Post by Indominus Roark » July 6th, 2016, 4:29 am

So I figured what better fun to start off with a few good jokes. Dirty jokes are usually the most fun so I decided why not a topic for them, so to start here goes one of my favorites.


A girl wanted to get a parrot. She gets to the pet store and finds a female parrot, upon check out she's warned that the previous owner had a lot of crazy parties while the bird was present and picked up a phrase that since then the bird always said. The girl puts off the warning and takes the parrot home. As soon as she got in the house the parrot says. "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?"

She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, "Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her."

So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looked at the other one and said, "Put away the Bible, our prayers have been answered."
No fate but what we make.

Mallis
Posts: 38
Joined: July 6th, 2016, 4:16 am
Gender: Female
I am a: Artist
Status: Offline

Re: R-Rated Jokes!

Post by Mallis » July 7th, 2016, 7:36 pm

Here is a crude bad joke I heard, it is funnier spoken rather than read, but here you go.

Kid is walking down the hallway of the house. He hears screaming in the parents bedroom, kid opens the door to find his father only dressed in briefs and his mother is dressed in a cheerleading outfit and they are going at it hard. Boy says, "Daddy what's going on?!" Father replies "Just go to bed sweetie, I'll talk to you in 20 minutes."

20 Minutes later the father walks down the hallway when he hears screaming in the kid's bedroom. The father opens the door, the kid is having sex with his grandmother... "Billy what the hell you doing?!" Kid replies back "It's not so funny when it's your mother is it?"

User avatar
Ramalisvay
Posts: 7
Joined: July 6th, 2016, 3:50 am
Status: Offline

Re: R-Rated Jokes!

Post by Ramalisvay » July 8th, 2016, 12:21 am

A guy walks into a bar and he imediatly notices a small piano and and smaller man playing it, he shrugs at the strange sight and sits down, the bar tender gets him his drink and he pays no thought to the man and the piano till he goes to leave.
The man turns and asks the bar tender where he found such a oddity, the bar tender replys saying that there is a genie in the closet. The man walks to the closet and actually finds a genie.

The genie tells the man he has only one wish, the man nods and wishes for a million bucks, to the mans dispare suddenly a million ducks appear, furious the man goes back to the bar tender and says "i think your genie is hard of hearing" the bar tender nods and replies "ya do you really think i asked for a 12inch pianist?"

User avatar
Fenveireth
Posts: 45
Joined: July 6th, 2016, 6:38 pm
Gender: Male
Age: 023
Location: Gaul
Status: Offline

Re: R-Rated Jokes!

Post by Fenveireth » July 8th, 2016, 2:41 am

Rama: In the version of the joke I've heard, the genie hears very well.
The guy walks into the bar, with an ostrich following him everywhere. When the bartender asks him, he answers : "Well, I asked for a long-legged chick"
♪ Get your kicks, on x86 ♫

User avatar
Aquilla Whingate
Posts: 39
Joined: July 6th, 2016, 3:57 am
Gender: Male
Location: Over the skies above Chicago
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: R-Rated Jokes!

Post by Aquilla Whingate » July 11th, 2016, 10:32 pm

The Cat In The Hat On Aging
I cannot see,
I cannot pee,
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw,
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks,
My hearing stinks,
No sense of smell,
I look like Hell,
My mood is bad... Can you tell?
My body's drooping,
Have trouble pooping,
The Golden Years have come at last,
The Golden Years can kiss my ass.

Daddy's Fat
''Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?''
''I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.''
''That's not going to work.''
''Why not?''
''Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again.


Vaseline
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties the husband to a chair while tying the wife to the bed. The convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "]Listen. This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

She responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him its in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

User avatar
Werecrocodile
Posts: 99
Joined: July 18th, 2016, 12:05 am
Gender: Male
Age: 23
Location: 29.9511° N, 90.0715° W
Status: Offline

Re: R-Rated Jokes!

Post by Werecrocodile » July 18th, 2016, 7:01 pm

Here is a funny one

Boy: ok it's In,does it hurt?
Girl: it does .
Boy:what if i put it in slowly?
Girl:it still hurts.
Boy: ok lets try a different shoe size.
Wenn dein deutsch wie ich dich das liest kannst du Verwenden Sie kein Google Translate. Verlierer
Hidden Content
This board requires you to be registered and logged-in to view hidden content.

User avatar
Mazrogal
Posts: 166
Joined: July 6th, 2016, 8:27 am
Location: Umeå / Sweden
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: R-Rated Jokes!

Post by Mazrogal » July 21st, 2016, 10:50 pm

Here is a dirty joke :)

Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
''Life is a struggle sometimes just push through and fight never give up''

My steamprofile: http://steamcommunity.com/id/Mazrogal Feel free to send a friend request^^

User avatar
Werecrocodile
Posts: 99
Joined: July 18th, 2016, 12:05 am
Gender: Male
Age: 23
Location: 29.9511° N, 90.0715° W
Status: Offline

Re: R-Rated Jokes!

Post by Werecrocodile » July 22nd, 2016, 4:53 am

Ok everyone prepare Uranus for my second joke,

A man is walking down the street and sees a pretty woman.

Hello, sexy!" He said while stopping in front of her "What's your name?"

She didn't answer.

"Well, my name is Barry"

"Okay" she said "Barry what?"

"I can't really pronounce it, so I'll write it down"

So he wrote it down.

She read allowed, "Madickenewe. Barry Madickinewe."

She slapped him and stormed off.
Wenn dein deutsch wie ich dich das liest kannst du Verwenden Sie kein Google Translate. Verlierer
Hidden Content
This board requires you to be registered and logged-in to view hidden content.

User avatar
Rasalom
Posts: 243
Joined: July 17th, 2016, 2:23 pm
Gender: Male
Age: 35
Location: PL
I am a: Author
Status: Offline

Re: R-Rated Jokes!

Post by Rasalom » July 27th, 2016, 5:28 am

This actually sounds better in Polish, but anyway.

A wolf caught a bunny in the forest. The bunny starts pleading for her life:
- Come on wolf. Let me go. I'll do whatever you want.
Wolf says:
- Okay, I’m a reasonable guy, so let’s make a deal. You'll give me a blowjob, and you can go.
Bunny says:
- Sorry wolf, I can't
- Don't give me that crap bunny. One blowjob in exchange for your life.
- I'm serious wolf. I am unable to do a blowjob.
- Then do your best!
- <crunch><crunch><crunch><crunch><crunch><crunch><crunch><crunch>...
Don't kill the edge and become like the rest.
Don't lose the faith that made you who you are
Don't kill the edge that manifests inside
This world is mine; it's where my thoughts collide...

User avatar
Rendrassa
Posts: 134
Joined: July 6th, 2016, 7:21 am
Gender: Female
Age: 25
Location: Oklahoma
I am a: Artist
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: R-Rated Jokes!

Post by Rendrassa » July 28th, 2016, 11:52 pm

I have a really bad one...

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Clicky? Image

User avatar
Aracth'nil
Posts: 752
Joined: July 24th, 2016, 1:41 pm
Gender: Male
Location: Australia
I am a: Lurker
Status: Offline

Re: R-Rated Jokes!

Post by Aracth'nil » July 31st, 2016, 1:18 pm

When someon says that 8 is just a number, respond with prison is just a building.
People are like dragons. They can be dangerous, but they can be friendly. But whatever you are, take flight into the blue abyss of endless possibility!

User avatar
Rendrassa
Posts: 134
Joined: July 6th, 2016, 7:21 am
Gender: Female
Age: 25
Location: Oklahoma
I am a: Artist
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: R-Rated Jokes!

Post by Rendrassa » August 7th, 2016, 7:33 pm

Got another one:

Roses are red, nuts are brown. Skirts go up, pants go down.
Body to body, skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in.
The longer it's in, the stronger it gets.
It goes in dry and comes out wet.
It comes out dripping and starts to sag.
It's not what you think, it's a tea bag!
Clicky? Image

Post Reply