Herpy.nu is now closed and archived - will be replaced by something new and better.

Herpy has had a good 13 year run and will never be forgotten for those of us who experienced it. Sadly the site is today unappealing and is no longer fit for the audience of 2018. The gallery will remain operational until further notice. You can follow me on Twitter for further developments. We also have a Discord server which has become the heart of the community. If you wish to join it, send me a PM over Twitter.

Kind regards,
Valcyrie

There's a dragon on my bed! (NSFW)

A little corner for all of us who likes to paint with words and create wonderful and magical worlds with no other tool than a pen.
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DrachenFyr
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There's a dragon on my bed! (NSFW)

Post by DrachenFyr » December 14th, 2016, 8:26 pm

So this is something I wrote and posted to FA two months back as a test to see if I could write anything that sounded good. I'd never written anything similar before. I never got any hate messages so...that's good I suppose. I didn't get any feedback either though, so hopefully if you read this, please comment what bits you like or don't like, along with any improvements that can be made. I've got two follow up stories to this planned (F human/M dragon and human/F dragon) but I would like to get better before I start on them. Thanks!

(It's a 2nd person story featuring a neutral gender human and a frisky feral male dragon)
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Last edited by DrachenFyr on December 14th, 2016, 8:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Aim high in life, but watch out for flying boxes.

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Aracth'nil
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Re: There's a dragon on my bed! (NSFW)

Post by Aracth'nil » December 15th, 2016, 12:58 pm

Nice writing!
Must say, the second person was a bit unusual, because it generally has a few disadvantages. First, I think the words 'you' and 'your' were too frequently used, although thats pretty unavoidable given the person.
Second, that character is not me. I wouldn't even think before jumping onto it if I saw a dragon in my room :D.
I like how you kept the audience gender neutral unless I missed something. You should consider writing a sequel and don't be scared to jump time!
People are like dragons. They can be dangerous, but they can be friendly. But whatever you are, take flight into the blue abyss of endless possibility!

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DrachenFyr
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Re: There's a dragon on my bed! (NSFW)

Post by DrachenFyr » December 15th, 2016, 8:56 pm

I enjoyed writing it, glad to know you like it!

I have a big passion for POV artwork and animations (once I become a decent artist, that's the perspective I'll use the most) so that's why I wanted to write in second person, plus I couldn't find anything similar so I thought ,"why not?".

I agree that there's a lot of "you"s and "your"s in the story, I'll try to tone them down next time, or at least keep them to an acceptable level. I believe there's a few more than there otherwise would be since there's no speech. And I understand the point about it not being you, or following what you would do specifically. Out of the six story ideas I have, this is the one where "you" have the most control, so hopefully it'll be less of a problem in the future.

I got the (general) idea for this story when I saw this (NSFW) and thought, I have to write a story from the woman's perspective. But I don't like first person "I" stories, so I opted for the second person "you" instead. Then I decided to write two other stories with an ambiguous gender human with both genders of dragons. This is the one that I finished first, the F human/M dragon one will be next, and then the human/F dragon last.

My biggest worry was that it might be awkward in some parts, considering the content and my lack or experience. I've been writing a bit more since posting this originally on FA, and looking back, I definitely would have cut some parts out ("Maybe the dragon slipped an aphrodisiac in your drink"? What was I thinking?). Originally, I tried to embrace any unintentional awkwardness by adding some humour, but it made the story really cringy, so I took it out (apart from the "regretfully you haven’t licked a dragon’s ass before" line, I left that in for some reason).

So yeah, thanks for your feedback! I'll take it on board.
Aim high in life, but watch out for flying boxes.

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Aracth'nil
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Re: There's a dragon on my bed! (NSFW)

Post by Aracth'nil » December 16th, 2016, 11:52 am

Again good job and keep it up! Second person stories can have their charm, so keep working on it. :)
People are like dragons. They can be dangerous, but they can be friendly. But whatever you are, take flight into the blue abyss of endless possibility!

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